I’m so upset about Lost going off the air that it took a full week to post a recap that I finished last Tuesday!
Get ready for a very special ? Edition of Lost Recaps!
A pregnant lady washes up on the island. ?: Who got pregnant lady pregnant?
Allison Janney helps her ashore. ?: Who thought Allison Janney was good for this role?
Pregnant Lady has a baby. His name is Jacob! She has another baby, but she’s fresh out of names. It’s Lil’ Man In Black! Allison Janney kills Was-Pregnant Lady. ?: Is it significant that she kills him before Pregnant Lady can even see him?
Later, the babies become boys, make up a game with something Allison Janney left for them, and run around doing a bunch of sissy mythical forest stuff like it’s Bridge to Terabithia up in here. ?: Is it Bridge to Terabithia up in here?
Allison Janney tells them that there’s nothing across the sea, says they came from the other side of the island and suggests they stay away from those bad people. Then she takes them to a very Disney looking Cave of Light that’s full of light, and glows in a way that’s not unlike the blast of electromagnetic energy that Desmond enjoyed a few eps ago. She explains that she guards it, it’s important, people want to get at it and what have you. I don’t know about all that heavy stuff. I think it looks kinda cute! I was sort of waiting for Pippin to pop up and sing “Magic to Do” for a minute there.
?: If Allison Janney says there’s nothing across the sea, do you really believe her ass about the light source jumpoff? I know I don’t! For a long time now, I’ve been thinking there’s some black hole business going on, but this is ? Edition not Speculation Edition homie!
Tween In Black gets a visit from a Losty spectral version of his real mom. She brings him up to speed on what really happened. ?: What’s that all about?
Tween In Black tries to relay this message to Jacob, but he’s such a not-his-mama’s boy that he can’t handle the truth. Tween In Black tells off Allison Janney and goes back with his real people, while Jacob stays with Not-Mama Janney to do girly stuff. ?: Don’t you think Allison Janney set that whole thing up? With her crazy ass? That’s Double ? Edition!
Our two little sissies grow up to be big sissies that would even make Pippin say, “You guys are so not gangsta!” Jacob weaves stuff on a crappy loom and practically craps himself with need for approval from Allison Janney, who plays this role like she never watched Lost in her life and it’s the afternoon dinner theater show in an abandoned diaper factory on the side of a highway. ?: Has Allison Janney ever watched Lost? I love you Allison I’m just playing! ?: Am I just playing?
Jacob still hangs out with Not Much Of A Man In Black and plays that lame game. Man In Black is working with some people to find a way off the island, digging wells and junk. ?: Who’s working with MIB? Is it the Dharma Initiative? It’s not some dumbass shipwrecks, I’ll tell you that much!
Allison Janney goes to see the Man In Black, who tells her all about his plan to combine the crazy light with a wheel and levers and pulleys and make an OK Go video. He leaves himself wide open from the okeedoke from Not-Ma Dukes, which makes no sense when you consider that she killed his real mom. Protect ya neck, Man In Black! Protect it. ?: Is super-strong Allison Janney the Smoke Monster? Double ?: Did she appear as MIB’s real mom to orchestrate his trip to the other side of the island?
MIB wakes up to find his people dead, their wack huts burned down and his crappy game all messed up. He’s pissed. Me too, buddy! I thought this episode was going not to suck! ?: Did it suck, or was it a brilliant charade to take our eyes off the ball?
Allison Janney takes Jacob to the Cave of Light and makes him drink that crappy wine in the bottle. What is this, Spanking The Monkey 2? The wine makes them the same, or something like that.
Now it’s his turn to guard Disco Cave. He’s mad that she wanted MIB to guard the cave and not him. Maybe she was saving you for the Loom-Off at the county fair! C’mon son. ?: What’s with the wine, MacCuthcheon’s whisky, Apollo Bars, Geronimo Jackson and all that phony maroney business?
MIB stabs UnMom without even asking her what the hell is going on. THEN he asks her. Lame.
Jacob is mad that MIB killed Allison Janney, so he beats him up and takes him to the Cave of Light. Allison Janney told him that going in there was worse than death, so he subjects HIS OWN BROTHER to a fate worse than death by throwing him in the stream and letting him float into the cave. Nice one! ?: Is there any way this isn’t exactly what she wanted him to do the whole time since he was born? Rhetorical ? Edition!
Smokey Smoke the Smoke Monster shoots out of the cave like a bat out of…a cave. Then the cave dims a little, like when the cheesy guy who owns the wine bar at the mall decides it’s time to create some post-dinner ambience. Then Jacob finds his brother’s body and puts it in the cave with Allison Janney’s body. ?: Are we headed to a super incestuous conclusion of Lost?
Then there’s a terribly executed scene that reminds us of when Jack and Kate were in the cave, and there were the skeletons, and now we know that the skeletons were Allison Janney and MIB, and then Locke stops by, and it’s like one of those crappy scenes in Scanners where you forgive David Cronenberg because he wrote the script on little sleep while he shot the film and also he gets a pass for inventing computer uploading and downloading. And he says goodbye to them. ?: What’s that all about?
Episode 16 awaits! ?: What They Died For? I’m not sure that we know just yet! Let’s find out next week on…
L O S T